Pint of No Return 2: Mutant Boogaloo

Doesn't this just scream "Drink me!"

Doesn't this just scream "Drink me!"

Mutant by Monster comes in two readily available flavors, Original and Red Dawn. There is also a third flavor called "White Lightning" that isn't available within 50 miles of my city and may not actually exist and will be treated as such, but we'll get to that later. Needless to say, this has awoken the sleepy beast known only as #Science. So once again, I put my frail human body on the line in an effort to observe, record, and report 100% irrefutable #scientific facts.

The original tastes very similar to Mountain Dew with perhaps a touch more citrus. Overpowering sweetness and a bitter aftertaste make this somehow worse. An accomplishment in and of itself. You may be thinking to yourself "Wow. Being compared to a gross soda right off the bat? This doesn't bode well for Mutant!" and you would be right. #Science is a cruel lass and will only ever describe infinitely replicable truths. 

 Red Dawn on the other hand tastes like an overly sweet and very cheap, carbonated fruit punch. I ended up giving away the rest of the original flavor. The Red Dawn flavor on the other hand I ended up finishing. While it is terrible, it is reminiscent of a car crash along the side of the highway. You know you shouldn't look, but your eyes keep wandering back to it. As such, while Red Dawn is unpleasant, it isn't so repugnant to repel me from coming back to it. It has just strange enough a flavor profile that I feel compelled to reexamine it time and again to discover its shitty mysteries, like a foul odor your human nature commands you to identify. 

Both flavors pack in 115 mg of caffeine, which is slightly higher than a cup of coffee. The trouble lies in the 70+mg of sugar each packs into the bottle. For reference a similar sized Coke has 65mg. The result is that these "evolved sparkling refreshments" are cloyingly sweet and as far from refreshing as possible, unless of course you consider a thick film on the inside of your mouth and throat refreshing. No judgment.  

This all leads to the biggest question that science alone can't answer. Who is this for? Mountain Dew fans by nature are easily frightened and resist change. As a currently in progress scientific study of "The Dew," as it is referred to in some circles, would suggest that people don't drink it for flavor, but perhaps for some sort of psychological or, perhaps more interestingly, as biological need. The won't, or maybe, can't switch from their godless nectar. 

The next logical choice would be fans of Monster Energy drinks who want all the taste of Monster, but without the benefit of all that energy. The problem with that theory is that Mutant contains a fairly high amount of caffeine and B vitamins and tastes nothing like Monster. You are getting a weaker result, which most long time Monster drinkers likely wouldn't even register, without even replicating the taste they are used to. 

The last choice, and by far the least likely, is that they are trying to get people who don't drink Mountain Dew or Monster. The untapped market space of "Normies" who likely don't even live at home with their parents. People with active employment who shower regularly and talk to members of the opposite gender. The people who can't be honey trapped into buying a drink because it has a tie in promotion with whatever the popular video game of the month is. The problem here is that this market isn't comprised of fools or animals buying drinks solely on instinct like the last two groups. They are satisfied with a cup of coffee for their caffeine and water for their hydration. A Coke is an indulgent treat for them, and even those who live less healthy lifestyles would likely stick to something with "diet" on the label to feed the illusion they aren't actively drinking poison. 

The only logical, scientific answer is that Mutant by Monster is for no one. As such, no one should drink it or even acknowledge is existence. Drinking it only served to upset my stomach and give me a headache. It also made me sweat profusely in a way I can only describe as a desperate attempt by my body to expel the toxins of the neon elixir it had been subjected to. Presumably the caffeine was responsible for this last bit, but having gained no energy, and in fact being less energetic after consuming the noxious fluids, I can safely say that Mutant is made up exclusively of downsides without any silver lining. 

I would say this is the new king of bad sodas, but I don't believe it will exist in the long run and therefore won't have enough historical impact to steal that title from "The Dew." Mutant is touted as a "Super Soda" and the "Evolution of Sparkling Refreshment" which is true in the same sense that cancer is a super cell and dying is the evolution of living. 

 

1/5